If you associate Ho! Ho! Ho! with a trio of hookers in a Gangsta Rap movie, then, like me, you’re not cut-out for Christmas. If you think “It’s a wonderful life” should be the title of a Keith Floyd tribute video, then the Festive Season’s not your bag. Or should that be stocking?
And who can blame you? It’s rubbish isn’t it? Bogus, even.
The main thing is, why does it have to happen at such a crap time of the year? SAD creeping- in, cold, wind, rain, naebody can be arsed to go out, cos it’s pitch black. It’s a hopeless time to instil good will, amongst anyone. Admittedly, some of the girls in the office dress up nicely, wear skimpy party frocks, iron their hair and put a bit of lippy on, but why can’t they just do that all the time anyway?
And as for business? Hey Buddy, ferrrrgedd it! Transport infrastructures fold, people “aren’t doing anything until the New Year”, it’s Voicemail and e-mail ping city out there!
However, once again, I’ve come to the rescue with a brilliant Brierley business solution. One which is so good you’ll wonder how no-one has thought of it before. It’s particularly relevant with the “pitch or not to pitch” (yawn…………)argument once again rearing it’s ugly head. Because I’m actually advocating working for free!
Forget December. Yes, it’s a simple as that. All Industry should take existing overheads and decant them into only 11 months. Make December a “do what the fuck you want” month. Go away to Thailand, go skating or get gluewein-ed up at the German Market. More importantly, really try to re-establish the business discipline of incredibly long lunches, for the forthcoming 2010. Or if you’re the office creep, that nobody likes and you want to earn brownie points, you can still work like a bastard or trample all over your nicer and more human workmates, by coming in every day and doing all your timesheets. Bosses would love it. Office Monkies would love it.
It’s a win-win-win-win situation! Fantastic!
Because it’s not really there any more, for the whole month of December, if productivity was only, say 15% or you only sold enough in the month to cover your Pret a Manger lunch or pathetically managed to bill £50, for a bit of digital artwork, who would care? Technically, because it doesn’t exist, it would be a total result. You’d be turning up to free pitches, unpaid presentations or those waste-of-time meetings on December 12th with a spring in your step and a huge grin, slapping people’s backs and not even trying to disguise the fact that you had four cans of warm lager on the train though.
After all, December doesn’t really count at all, so to paraphrase the Special Air Service motto-”Who Cares Who Wins”?
Even those in low-level, office gopher positions can benefit from this new ‘non’-month. Piss-about all morning with that stupid new iPhone or ‘fudging’ your ridiculous hair, sit surfing itunes all day. Even nod your head to ‘Jedward’ at brain splitting full volume and make up as many spurious “Social Marketing” events (where you’re really going to the pub) as you like. Bring in really puerile games, like you used to do at end of school term. Operation, Buckaroo, Pop-up Pirates, Ker-Plunk.
Oh how we’d laugh! No-one would give a flying fig. So get started. Plan it for next year and we can all start living like human beings should be living. Love and Peace Man!