CV OR NOT CV - THAT IS THE QUESTION
Why is it that we still use a daft couple of Latin words to describe the list of things we done, over the history of our career? It’s the 21st Century and we STILL insist on using “Curriculum Vitae” or the even dafter abbreviation, “CV” which sounds more like a French car than anything that’s ever going to get you a job? The Yanks aren’t all that better as they use the French word “Resume”, which may, or not, have an accent. I suppose it’s how they say it. The point is, are these phoney fabrications, tissues of lies, downright bullshit or less likely, wholly honest appendices of well-rounded development and achievement worth the e-mail they are increasingly sent out on?
They say you can’t polish a turd but ask any recruitment consultant and I’m sure they’d agree, they’re in the business of doing this, every day. After all, in our game, what’s the chances of you going through a couple of decades employment without having the odd six months…maybe even a year, once in a while that you’d rather everyone just forgot about? Oh…. it’s just me then….
Jeffrey Archer (sorry, can’t bring myself to call him Lord Archer) has already demonstrated that a simple and what would seem very honest statement, “studied at Oxford” can be a bit of a weasel. I’d be the first to admit that like the chums of “Doctor” Fox and indeed “Judge” Jules, my friends who know me as “Professor Vic” haven’t really been told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
It goes on and it’s all well-documented fact (probably) that most of the people in positions of importance have used a few white (or more probably, deep grey) lies to be there. We should learn a lot from Nigeria, which must be the porky-pie CV capital of the world. I once met an incredibly well spoken, gregarious and hugely entertaining Nigerian bloke, in a pub, in Partick of all places (to be honest, he was difficult to miss). He impressed me and every other punter in the boozer, by shouting out, “Congratulations! My friends, you are now talking to… A DOCTORR!!!.”
Three hours of celebratory whistle-wetting later, we were all well gone. The nuggets Nigerian, Doctor whatisface had stumbled out the door, after a totally free, gratis and for-nowt bevvy session. It was only then that one of the nurses, who had also been enjoying our largesse, told us he was an Orderly in the hospital and used this Hippocratic hokum act most weekends, when he was a bit skint. Hmmm…remind me not to ever get toothache in Lagos.
That’s how easy it is to fool people. And all the “interests” baloney as well, what’s that all about? Does it hint to the fact you’re erudite, you’re a “team player” or are “career-focused”? Walk the dog up Salisbury Crags or take a half-pissed Bank Holiday stumble up the easy bit of Ben Lomond and you’re transformed into a “Munro Bagger”. Go to Malaga on holiday and order your round in the local lingo and this becomes “a working knowledge of Spanish”.
It’s not just me that worries about this. It now appears that some ex-employers are refusing to give references, for fear of future litigation, when the individual turns out to be a perv, or a dunderheid. Let me guess, did this start in America? You’ve seen the hidden camera shows. A guy taking a leak in the coffee urn. Is that real mozzarella on that pizza?
Generally though, serial killers and weirdos aside, who cares about what happened years ago? I’ve worked beside loads of people with pasts you’d rather not know about. For instance, there was...let’s call him Mr Freer…he broke a limb, falling, after putting a police cone on the head of a civic statue in Glasgow. He generally keeps that quiet, and why not? Skeletons? Cupboards? For me, imagine the Ghost train, crossed with an IKEA store…
I’ve found that actually going and having a fun (usually drink-related) night out with a prospective employer and meeting the team you’re going to be working with beforehand, tells more about anyone. It works better than any Internet Doctorate or a reference you’ve wheedled out of on old boss, because you had a grainy photo of them with a toothless hooker, a donkey, a dwarf, or in one case, all three.
On that note guys, you know who you are and where to send the cheque.
Published in The Drum Magazine - Scotland's most popular media and marketing read.