The Buckie Stops Here
First, it was stopping the smoking of “the fags” in pubs. Now, Justice Minister Cathy Jamieson wants to put sales controls on Scotland’s other-…erm other, National drink, The Buckfast. Okay, this is a legal organ so the chances are, although most of the readers will have direct, knock-on experience of the efficacy of the “Craigneuk Claret” (some of you, on a daily basis), most probably haven’t yet had a chance to sample this Ambrosia of the Gods or “Knickerdropper Glory, as it’s known in Motherwell.
Unfortunately, I have. I shared a late-night coach journey, during a train strike, with a couple of charming but somewhat inebriated young “Bucks” from North Lanarkshire, who insisted I imbibe with them, thankfully forcing me to take first “swig”, out a newly-opened bottle. “Goan’ yersel!” I can assure you, Mouton Rothschild are not thinking of mounting a takeover. I got echoes of slagheap, rolling round my palette, a metallic, Ravenscraig aftertaste, leaping from the bottle neck. Or, “a pure-gallus boady, an’ that” as my bus-buddy, sommelier informed me.
Gilly Goolden-esque rantings aside, is this not a case of simply shooting the alcoholic messenger though?
If there’s no “Buckie” for the bears, then incendiary-strength cider, “wife-beater”, “cooking” lager or a pseudo “sherry”, which is not one of Jerez’s best vintages will simply fill the gulf left by the ten-million-green-bottles, standing-on-the-wall. It’s an absolutely bonkers idea! I’ve not even begun to investigate the home-brewing/distilling possibilities that may arise. After all, drinking alcohol is still legal so, banning Buckie will have no effect, other than on the already impoverished Devon monks that make the stuff.
If I was a young teen dude, living in Ayrshire or Lanarkshire, I’d be aggrieved and might even feel a tad victimised. What next? No two-sizes-too-small skip caps? Pure-dead-brilliant shellsuits banned? Quality-big man, pure quality… £200 “trainnies” to be outlawed? Over-sized gold jewellery bearing your name, elastic scrunchies and white sports socks to be banished from the Kingdom?
Surely Cathy has to think again. It’s the very lucrative “evils of drink” industry we’re taking about here and if it’s not the purple tonic wine, then some other alcohol overlord will simply step in to make a fast buck out of the demise of Buckfast.
Published in The Drum Magazine - Scotland's most popular media and marketing read.