A Kick In The Snackers.
Did you ever think there would be a time when you were openly invited on TV, to salivate over the scrotum of Slade’s lead singer? Neither did I but in the world of “in-yer-face” grab-‘em- by-the-goolies advertising, there it is. Switch on the telly and a bunch of boozer blokes are making a beeline for Mr Holder’s Boulders! Nibble his what!? Erm…no thanks.
And you thought Southpark’s “Chocolate Salty Balls” song was a bit over-the-top! Having said that, as Noddy actually wrote the song called “Skweez me-Pleez me”, he was sort of asking for this.
I don’t know if Mr “Nobby’s Nuts” is living in Monaco but I’d watch for everyone now jumping on this “bollocks” bandwagon.
It’s started already. I hear that the launch of a much-heralded follow-up snack brand is now in jeopardy, because the new and jolly saucy slogan they’ve thought-up is no longer relevant. Allegedly, Professor Stephen Hawking has been told by advisers not to take part in an ad for salami-style bar snacks. Which is a shame, because his computerised voice, urging you to “Suck Steve’s Sausage” would have been rather good fun.
It appears, nothing’s sacred any more. Food and sex in advertising are inseparable. I blame that Cadbury’s Flake girl. She started it all but it’s just gone…erm nuts. Even my Gran realises that Pot Noodle “giving you the horn” has got bugger-all to do with trumpets.
It’s also a shame that seminal… TV cook Fanny Craddock is not around to enjoy this correlation between 1970’s celebrities, innuendo concerning their genitalia and the snack-convenience food markets. If she’d not shuffled-off to that great skillet in the sky, she would have been asked to re-enact her possibly apocryphal but funniest television moment.
This would have made ideal material for the Dunkin’ Donuts Empire, to compete with the rest of these below-the-belt snack broadcasters. You could run an ad which would anger and delight scholars of the English language, in equal measure. A winning headline, featuring the American spelling of an English word but also the correct use of the oft-misplaced or usually omitted apostrophe! Could you imagine it Mrs Craddock and maybe even her monocle-wearing hubby Johnnie, grinning down from a 48 sheet bearing the legend… “Our Donuts taste even better than Fanny’s!” This message would have certain members of the population running round to their nearest petrol station, for their three-in-a-bag.
I don’t see why this form of single-entendre ad should be limited to foodstuffs either. Another 1970’s icon was comedian ratings-topper Dick Emery and with a name like that, it would have been great to see what the agency who handles the Black and Decker sander ad account could have done with him!
However, as Fanny and Dick are no longer with us, maybe Dunkin Donuts should just cut to the chase and get a real modern master of innuendo for an ad campaign.
Someone like Julian Clary, whose autobiography is called “A Young Man’s Passage”. He’d be ideal. He would be just the man to “get behind” a campaign and allow them to get “to the bottom” of what their consumers want. TV, posters and in his case obviously…bus “rears”.
“Rears”…see what I did there?
The beauty of using Mr Clary is that it would save a lot of time testing and creative brain-storming the adverts. They would only need a large photo of Julian in full camperie, smiling and holding up a donut. Perhaps an ehm… chocolate…. fudge… er, ring….for instance.
Then, they’d just leave a gap… and the great British public would be able to make up their OWN, ooh-err missus slogan…
Published in The Drum Magazine - Scotland's most popular media and marketing read.